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7
Bedtime Tales of A Lonely Insomniac
Foreword
This is a sample chapter from a short story entitled "Bedtime
Tales of A Lonely Insomniac". It is a raw, uncensored
glimpse into the mind of a young man lost in the world.
By reading this man's various entries we begin to empathize
with him. We feel his heartache, understand his struggles,
even smell and taste his experiences. One may take offense
to the things this man has to say, but before the reader
jumps to any conclusions they must understand that this
is just an arcane look into the heart of a human being,
all be it a fictitious heart.
Chapter 1
It's 3:17am and I can't sleep. My body is jonesing from
my lack of nicotine and sex. It's been 2 ½ days
since my last cigarette. And 2 ½ years since the
last time I got laid. Looking back on my life… I
sure have been thru a lot. I used to sell drugs- or give
myself away for them. I grew up in the Church. Programmed
to follow a God who I failed to see as I grew older. When
we're younger it's all so simple. Everyone is our best
friend. Evil is only seen in the scrapes on our knees.
And the idea of a creator is so basic because we know
we didn't create the universe. We're too small to reach
the Kitchen Sink, let alone create entire planets out
of thin air. As you grow older you turn to faith out of
the basic need to make yourself complete. You turn to
faith as a comfort when those other things you have chosen
let you down. But what happens when your faith doesn't
comfort you, and instead torments you? Magnifying the
inadequacies that you already judge yourself so mercilessly
for. It's so much easier to say, "Screw it All! I
give Up." You go out, smoke a bowl, get plastered,
have a one-night-stand… Maybe this goes on for weeks;
months. Then you look into the face of a small child,
or the eyes of a worried mother and you feel like such
scum! You make promises to yourself, your God, anyone
who will listen, to modify your behavior; and you do.
Until something gives and you hop that fence and find
yourself back on the other side. I have been there. I
have the scars on my inner thighs to prove it. And that
is why I can't sleep tonight. At least, that is one of
the reasons…
I met this girl once. At Summer Camp. I was almost 16.
She was 14, and beautiful. She had long, flowing blonde
hair and supple breasts. And a smile that made my stomach
quake. But she had this terrible infliction… One
that we actually have in common… Indecisiveness.
It took her two days to speak to me. Two long days of
torture. Looking at me with that intense, emerald stare.
Piercing my very soul with her longing. I found out she
had spent the first night in the hands of another man,
but I wasn't jealous. I knew that she may have given him
her body, but her eyes were for me. We dated for almost
3 months. It was long-distance, of course, which didn't
please her a bit. It didn't suit me either, but I was
happy with whatever I could get. Then one day, on one
of my visits, she dumps me. She said it just wasn't working.
That I reminded her too much of her father, and that no
girl wants to bed her father. I would have changed it
all for her, had she given me the chance. Damn, I loved
that girl.
I really like girls. All types. Short, Tall; Skinny, Voluptuous;
Blonde, Brown, Raven. Most of all I love a girl with intellect.
A good mind and a clever wit. I lie awake at night dreaming
about a girl. She has no visible face, but I can feel
her. Her soft hair. Her hard nipples resting on my bare
chest. Her left hand on my hip, and her right leg thrown
over my groin. Her hot breath on my shoulder as she dreams.
We read together. We work together. She reads me poetry
and I sing her songs. I pick her flowers and She buys
me clothes. We have a large family, mostly boys. Strong
boys with good looks and chivalrous tendencies. She is
so passionate! Everything about her turns me on. The different
ways she kisses me to let me know what she wants; with
such force and desire. The way she looks at me to say,
'I want you right now, and I won't take No for an answer.'
When we make love I know exactly who I am meant to be.
But then dawn breaks and I find myself panting in my soggy
bed. The clock says 5am, time for me to get ready for
work. But for me this day is just a continuation of the
one before. And the one before that. And the one before
that… I haven't slept for more than two hours straight
in a year and a half.
I have a good job. I work for a construction company.
It's a good job. I lay foundations that model tract homes
are built on. Sometimes a beer can or a dead bird get
mixed into the cement, but we don't mind. As long as we
get 25 houses laid by Friday at 3 o'clock. I am only 22
years old. I didn't go to college. Mom and Dad said, "…
I had better move out if I want to keep my earring…"
College was too expensive for me. I have dreams. I mean,
I don't necessarily want to be Blue Collar all my life.
I want to sell American Sports Cars to foreign countries;
expand the export market. But I hate to fly and I can't
stomach Foreign Food.
It's 5:24 am now. I just had an idea for am Art Project.
I am very creative. I love to make these abstract collages;
documentaries if you will about fictitious characters
that I invent by looking at the faces. They have lives,
stories, aspirations. But of course, only in my head.
That is where pretty much everything occurs for me; in
my head. My brain is constantly swarming with ideologies
and projects, theories and principles. Dreams, Fears,
and Realities. That is why I cannot sleep...
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Chapter
2
Well,
it's been three months and I still haven't slept through
a whole night. I got a roommate 'cuz they raised my
rent; a little Japanese guy who cooks bad smelling food
and sleeps all day. He's always rushing around to nowhere
and sometimes he stays out all night. He goes to Santa
Monica, or Pasadena, or wherever his friends keep him.
Some people are really easy to live. Their schedules
don't conflict w/yours, and they may even be personable.
But not this guy! He doesn't really have a schedule
except for the fact that he is generally asleep from
9am till 5pm.
He has a girlfriend. I don't know how he ever finds
the proper time for a relationship. She must be really
dissatisfied! Man, if I had a girlfriend she would mean
everything to me. I'd spend all the time I could with
her. I'd buy her everything she could ever want. I really
want a girlfriend! But I guess I have to leave my apartment
first. I just don't like going out anymore. I feel so
out of touch with the human race, and besides- I'm usually
too lethargic and worn-out to do much of anything.
My roommate and I have a strange organization. I emptied
my bedroom, completely bare, and he moved in there.
I hung a couple of sheets at the entrance to the Living
Room to act as a wall and that is where I live. We share
the kitchen, but he has his own 'fridge because I couldn't
handle the flavor his food was giving mine. You know
what I'm saying?! Like when you put Strawberry ice cream
in the freezer and then you catch a big trout and you
put it in the same freezer. You end up with fish flavored,
pink ice cream. It's horrible!
Anyways, I was pretty bored today so I went to the Plaza
building and sat on the patio. I just took a bagged
lunch and sat there- soaking up the sun. My sandwich
was soggy by the time I opened it so I fed it to the
birds. When they flew away I just sat there and watched
people. Chatty ladies on their lunch break. Gossiping
about who did what and who went where. I saw a man who
looked like my Grandpa today. I miss my Grandpa. I haven't
seen him in almost four years now. Since my Grandma
died and he went to move in with his girlfriend. My
mom never liked my Grandpa. 'Cause he smokes too much,
and drinks too much. Cusses too much and was too hard
on my Grandma. But I loved him. He had character. I
really loved my Grandma. She was abandoned as a child
and adopted five years later. She had a history of mental
problems; depression and suicide, like me. And like
me she never really felt like she belonged. Only till
she had a family and her family had families did she
feel like she was important. I guess that's what I'm
looking for, someone to make me feel important.
When I think about it I'm probably not much to look
at. Don't get me wrong, I think I look good. It's just
that I watch everyone around me, pairing off, and I
see that everyone is beautiful in some way or another.
Even the most homely, or heavy, or ill mannered of people
have some attractive quality to someone else. So why
am I alone?!
I guess it's because my shoelaces are always coming
untied, or that my hair is always changing. I have 4
piercings and 3 tattoos. I change fads every 10 months
or so; basically because there is too much that excites
me. I bite my nails, and I always have a few "blemishes"
as my mother calls them. But I have some good points
too. I really like my eyes. (They're blue.) And my legs
too. My arms could use some work and my stomach is soft,
but my chest is good. I'm happy with my body hair. It's
blonde; except for those certain places which are always
darker. And my trail is nice, in an under-control sort
of way. I have heard that girls like a good trail so
I guess I'm set. My teeth are a little crooked, and
my nose is a little thin- but those are only minor things.
I used to have this mole on my right rib cage. I met
this beautiful surfer girl who had the same mark. I
think we were meant to be. Like we were cut from the
same mold. But she never did. There were only two romantic
encounters with her. One was in a movie theatre: I was
holding her hand when she pulled it into her lap. She
then let go of my hand and left me resting there as
she put hers in my lap. She proceeded to undo my zipper.
I followed suit. Then she slowly began to rub my trail
with her fingertips, following it lower and lower. Again
I let my actions mimic hers. For every move she made
I would follow. She continued to tease me. Lower and
lower she would go until finally she had me in the palm
of her hand. I was so distracted and so turned on. I
couldn't go any further than the soft curls that protected
what she kept just beyond my reach with every gentle
stroke. Then the movie ended. She got up and zipped
her jeans and never said a word.
The second encounter was in a hotel room. Now, I know
what you are thinking but throw that thought away. I
wasn't that lucky. (No pun intended.) My best friend's
family and hers had gone water-skiing together and I
went along. One night the parents went out to dinner
leaving the rest of us "kids" alone. She was
tired and sore from a long day of skiing and she came
and asked me to massage her back. Who could resist those
batting eyelashes? I was slowly working the tension
out of her shoulders when she asked if it would be easier
if she took her shirt off. Without a reply she did and
lay back down before I could see anything. I worked
her muscles slowly, tenderly from top to bottom. As
I got to her lower back I was hard as a rock. All I
had to do was keep going. Past the waistline of her
loose shorts. All I had to do was turn her over. Plant
a huge kiss on her full, sun-scorched lips. Rub her
chest, straddle her. Let her know how much I wanted
her. But then I heard her snore and I knew that was
it.
I haven't seen her in six years. I saw her passing in
a crowd at Disneyland last month. She was with another
guy and she had a huge rock on her finger. Maybe things
work out for the best. But I miss her…
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Chapter
3
Well, I did it. I got a date. At least,
I hope I got a date. I've been getting really restless
lately. My music and art just aren't keeping me entertained
and my heart's not in reading any of the self-help books
I have waiting for me on my shelves. So anyways, I started
going to this bagel shop around five in the morning. I
usually get the same thing, on large coffee de'jour and
a plain bagel toasted with margarine. I never eat more
than a few bites. I find it really hard to eat when I
am nervous. So I just sit there and sip my coffee. I watch
her as she restocks the baskets with fresh bagels. I love
her crescent smile, which she gives each customer as they
come in. Sometimes if it's not busy she will brew a pot
of coffee just for me. A few times she has even come and
refill my cup; but only a few times.
I must look a fright. I try to keep up my appearance,
but I'm usually wearing the same faded black jacket
and my legs don't quite fit under the table. And sometimes
I just stare off into space. Just thinking and drifting
for maybe an hour or so. She must think I am a freak;
oh gawd, why did I ask her out? Maybe she didn't notice.
I was pretty sly about it. I wrote it along the edges
of a dollar bill. A simple phrase in black ink, "Wanna
have coffee with me sometime?" Then I gave the
dollar to her as a tip. Oh shit. I'm such a dork. Dammit!
I just realized I asked her out for coffee. COFFEE!
I have coffee with her everyday. She has got to think
I am 100% certifiable. Ok. Its ok. I'll just play it
off. Tomorrow I'll go in and instead of ordering one
coffee I'll order two. And not just house blend either,
but something ritzy. Like café mochas with whipped
cream and chocolate sprinkles. That's what I'll do.
Yeah. Ok. Tomorrow. Oh man, that's 6 hours from now.
What am I gonna do with 6 hours? I know, I'll draw.
That's it, I'll draw a beautiful picture. For her. Ok.
I'm Ok!
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Chapter
4
Well, it didn't work out. She's engaged.
I couldn't believe I didn't notice, but she's not allowed
to wear her ring when she is working. You know, I usually
have a really hard time even talking to girls. I've only
asked out 3 girls. I though I would be more hurt than
I am if she said "no". But I guess I've been
alone for so long that I am used to not expecting much.
Oh well…
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Mind
Racing
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Sick |
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Inadequate
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Saturday
Nights
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ALONE
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Faltering
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Melancholy |
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sad
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Desperate!
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In
Love
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Chapter
5
Its funny how the person you love always
loves someone else, and they always want someone else,
who wants someone else, who wants someone else… So
where is that someone who wants me?! I have this idea
about the one. I'll see her, and she'll see me, and we'll
just know. We'll go out and pay no attention to the others
in the room. We'll read together, explore together, grow
together. We'll complete each other. So why is it that
I search so earnestly for her, settling only for far-fetched
substitutes? I know that they aren't her, but yet I want
so badly to be with her that I try to stretch and mold
them into her.
Recently I started hanging out with an old group of
friends and I kinda found myself attracted to one of
the girls. She's not the instant "one" of
my dreams, but she would be a good present substitute.
If only she weren't in love with her best friend. Her
best friend who is in lust with everyone but her, and
who has told her that she will never be exactly what
he wants. So why does he keep playing along with her?
How, in the same breath, can he say that he totally
does not like her- nor will he ever- but that it is
ok for him to stick his tongue down her throat to fulfill
his own lustful desires?
We (this whole group of friends and I) met this new
girl- really insecure but totally cool, and started
bringing her along. Come to find out that she is totally
into this guy. He told the new girl that he is not into
her, not that he is into my girl either, but that he
is into someone else. This chick that he met at school.
A diver who's not part of "the group", really
sincere- but doesn't hang with us. Anyways, so there's
this viscous knot of hormones and wishes and I am this
new girl are on the frayed strands which hang from the
knot. I don't know why I care. I don't know why I try.
I know I'm much better when I am alone. Soon I will
be. They, my girl and her best friend, are going away
together for three months (the entire summer.)
My
complex is getting renovated so we are all being moved
to the one section that isn't. That means that we will
all be living with new people until our individual units
are available. I will be moving in with two new roommates.
I am sure I have seen them around, in the laundry room
or something, but if I am not living with them now they
sure can't be my ideal roommates. I think in all actuality
no one is. Well, they rest of the group has stuff going
on so I am going to take this alone time to regroup
and rebuild myself. Then I will be much more stable
to associate with others- if I choose. There are negatives
and positives to being with others. I have people to
spend my awake time with, but I spend too much money
and I can't for the life of me remember what I used
to do to entertain myself. Well, I can remember one
thing; and that is what I am doing…
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Chapter
6
What was I thinking alone time? I really
miss everyone. A few of the gang came and visited last
weekend. My girl and her best friend now have a secret
thing going on. He finally decided he liked her but his
parents don't think it would be safe for them to be alone
together since she moved in with him to work for his church
as the children's ministry intern. Anyways, I recently
ran into a one-night stand from my past. She just started
as the receptionist at my complex's rental office. It's
kinda weird. I knew I was going to run into her. Right
before I run into someone obscure from my past their name
will pop into my head. Maybe once or twice in one week,
then a couple times a day in the next week, and then bam,
Hello! Its weird. When I hooked up with her it wasn't
that big. We met on vacation. We talked for about a half
an hour. I walked her home and we just started making
out at her front door. We went for a walk and fooled around
for about another 45 minutes and that was it. The next
day she hooked up with one of my friends that I was on
vacation with, and jilted I hooked up with someone else.
I actually started dating the other girl for about two
months even though I had just settled for her. A few times
over the past few years I've thought to myself that I
was a much worthier conquest for the first girl, or how
things would have worked out if neither of us had moved
on.
She
hasn't recognized me yet, and I just don't know how
to approach her about it. Maybe I'm apprehensive about
why she rejected me the first time. Maybe its because
I don't feel as physically attractive as I did then.
I'm really out of shape, and my hair is still recovering
from a bad dye job, and I can think of a million more
excuses for why I should avoid her. Anyways, I can't
sleep and I'm just sittin' here thinking about her.
Her blue eyes, her lip piercing, her ambile persona.
God I'm so weak! Why can't I just ask her if she remembers
me?
I
started hanging out with this girl who I actually found
out is originally from my hometown. None of my friends
like her too much, but they are not around and she is.
She's cool, but she is also spoiled! She is very opinionated
and complains all the time. I get to where I just don't
want to be around her anymore but I don't know how to
politely say just that. So I suffer through her stories
and time goes by…
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Chapter 7
Well, I didn't say anything in either of
the circumstances. The friend of mine moved to a debtor's
ranch to work off student loans and things like that.
The situation with the receptionist played itself out.
I was hangin' out with her 'cuz we've been hanging out
a lot since my other friend left and she put two and two
together. I just filled in the blanks.
On to a new topic: The building is finally done and
summer is over so the old gang is somewhat back. Everyone
except for my girl and her best friend who made their
relationship official and decided not to split up by
moving. But it's weird because they were the glue that
held the group together. I've just been really depressed
lately 'cuz things aren't like they used to be. Or more
like they aren't the way I planned on them being.
I've been busy lately. I moved into my new place by
myself and I got a new full time job. I'm really attracted
to these two girls that I work with. One of them is
my manager, and the other is one of my co-workers. My
manager epitomizes everything that I am trying to be
now, where as my co-worker is all that I used to be.
Both have really strong pulls on me, so I decided to
weigh out their options. My manager has an awesome personality
and we get along great, but physically she is not all
that desirable. The other girl is physically incredible
but totally clueless. The only thing blocking me from
my manager is her looks, but I really don't like to
be judgmental and shallow like that so I chose her.
Now I have to lay the groundwork- since I'm too shy
to come right out and say anything. I went to this club
one night where she works and since I knew it was the
day before her birthday I brought her flowers. She was
kinda embarrassed and all she said was, "You know
it's not till tomorrow." But at work the next day
she thanked me. Twice! But then later this really uncouth
guy that I also work with blurted out that I'm interested
just as she walked into the room. I was mortified!!!
And to make matters worse I actually hadn't even started
working my shift so I had to work with her the rest
of the day.
On another note I actually slept for a whole night last
night. Unfortunately I found out that sleep is not my
solace, for I woke up to face all that was before me
when I went to sleep. I don't know what I expected.
A rest, maybe. A break from reality. But I'm a little
disillusioned that I didn't find it…
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